Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sport… the thrill of victory… and the agony of defeat… the human drama of athletic competition…the spectacle of watching young men saunter around in skin tight “performance wear”…

Way back in the 20^th century, when I was growing up, we had a Zenith television with 4 channels.  Every so often we’d gather around this wondrous picture-talking-box and watch The Olympics.

Back then the Olympics were actually important.  Jesse Owens won the Long Jump at the 1936 Olympics.  I remember as a starry eyed 7 year old during the 1976 summer Olympics in Montreal watching 14-year-old gymnast Nadia Comăneci score seven perfect 10s.  And Who can forget how an upstart 1980 United States ice hockey team won the gold medal, defeating the heavily favored Soviet team 4–3? That game became known as the “Miracle on Ice” and had songs sung of the victors.  This was also the first time most Americans realized that Hockey was a sport - but we will get to that later.

Now, here in the glorious age of the interwebs and a bazillion channels all playing CSI Miami reruns, the importance of the Olympic Spirit has been somewhat… diminished.

Never-the-less, our friends from the Great White North have gone ahead and invested a couple billion dollars to host the worlds largest snowball fight in Vancouver.

When it comes down to watching this year’s Winter Olympics, you can use a bit of strategic planning to make sure that you are optimizing your viewing pleasure.  In fact, what the Winter Olympics really comes down to is a 2 x 2 chart that measures Sporty vs. Entertaining.  All Olympic events have a Sporty value (ranging from low to high) that scores how much of a real sport they are.  These same Olympic sports have an Entertaining Value that scores how enjoyable or painful they are to actually watch.

Our 2 x2 can be divided into 4 quadrants:

Government Assistance Quadrant [Low Sporty / Low Entertaining]:

Events in this quadrant require a serious bail-out and are probably only watched by those who are collecting unemployment checks or other means of government welfare. I mean come on, what productive person actually has time to watch Ice Dancing?  And what the heck is a “Biathlete” anyway?  Sounds like a candidate for don’t ask don’t tell.  Yikes.

Bookie Quadrant [High Sporty / Low Entertaining]:

Events with a high sporty quotent but are painful to watch fall into the Bookie Quadrant.  These are the events for the addicted sports gambler.  Speed Skating is the epitome of this quadrant.  Watching some dudes in full body Speedos skate the long track oval is only slightly more entertaining than A Night at the Roxbury.  

Soap Opera Quadrant [Low Sporty, High Entertaining]:

Oh, the DRAMA!  That’s what we get with events that are entertaining but not sporty.  Most of the events in this quadrant are based on a simple premise.  Strap your body to something and let gravity do it’s job.  I mean, seriously, ski jumping is really a sport? And the Double luge?  That is just plain uncomfortable to watch.

Primetime Quadrant [High Sporty / High Entertaining]

Finally, television worth watching: events that rank high on the scale of Sporty and Entertaining.  These are the events that will fill the primetime slots on the couch at LamisLand (mixed with Soap Events, because I’m married).  This magic quadrant includes the sports of Snowboarding, downhill skiing, and Hockey.  Did you know that (hockey) has it’s own cheerleading squad?

Like all good 2x2’s ours has a central “harmony” point where the Sporty level and Entertaining level are completely average.  We’ve placed Curling at this harmony point.  Little known fact: Curling was invented by the Canadians in an attempt to create an Olympic sport that they could actually win a medal at.

Now lets explore a few of the upcoming highlights for the Olympic coverage on CBS:

This year, a rad new event called Ski-cross is being held for the first time.  Think of it as a down hill roller derby where 4 skiers are in a fight to reach the finish line.  Yes!  It’s the year 2010, and hit and run skiing is no longer a felony. It’s an Olympic Sport!  You can catch Ski-cross on Sunday, February 21^st for the Men, and Tuesday, February 23^rd for the, ahem, Ladies.

On the other hand, you might want to avoid the train wreck that is Olympic Figure Skating.  As the New York Times headlined recently – “Birds of a Feather Wear Bad Costumes Together.” This year, I’m expecting a real Blades of Glory moment.  Note to self, schedule Root Canal for Monday, February 15^th.

Conversely, You can catch Shawn White unleash his sick new Snowboarding trick – the Double Cork – beginning on Olympic Day 4.  And snow bunny and reigning Women’s Downhill champion Lindsey Vonn begins her quest for her first Olympic medal begins on Wednesday, February 17^th.  And - this just in – I’ve just been informed that the Biathlon involves chicks with high-powered sniper rifles.  Better add that one to the Primetime quadrant. That’ll be TV worth watching.